realm's word

Since my previous post today, I have eaten my mid-morning Yoghurt and Fruit meal (my gym trainer has put me on some crazy, strict 5 meals per day regimen – I’m not overweight, if that’s what you’re thinking – I’m hoping to gain a pound or two and get healthier, inside and out).

I’m at work, in the office and so eating takes second place to menial office tasks and phone calls. Perhaps this post is going to give you a less rose-tinted view of me as I would like to share a couple of annoyances, the nauseating happenings in day to day life that many would deem as trivial, but in my mind are in fact as irritating as wearing the same T-shirt in which you had your hair cut last time you wore it (those tiny, prickly hairs which get caught in the seam of your Shirt collar, you know what I mean). In writing this, my eccentricities are blinding me from my original point as I start to reminisce on the years of visiting various Hairdressers who never failed to cover me in my own shorn locks.

I’ve yet to get a haircut without requiring an immediate shower to remove the sharp yet microscopic off-cuts of unwanted hair length from my ear holes, face, neck, back and chest. Why wash my hair before you cut it if I’m going to have to re wash immediately? And, how can you charge me for a ‘Wash, Cut and Style’ knowing full well I’ll be re-washing and therefore re-styling?

No, I want a dry hair cut, without pre-wash or post-cut style. As a result, I want a discount. Furthermore, if you intend on showering me in my own follicular waste, I want money towards the cleaning or replacement of the garment covering my upper body. A visit to the Hairdresser is not my way of conceding my T-shirt to the depths of my wardrobe due to newfound itchiness.

Back on point – Yoghurt and Fruit. It all seems trivial now, following my shared thoughts on hair. However, I can’t be the only person in the world to get that stomach-somersaulting feeling when I see the putrid, thick skin that forms at the top of a Yoghurt pot. You know, you peel back the foil lid of the plastic pot and collected around the edges in a gooey death-ring formation is an unnecessary collection of Yoghurt. Firstly, it’s a waste of perfectly good food, but much more importantly, it’s gloop and although I’m aware that it’s as untarnished as the ‘normal’ yoghurt collectively based below in the pot, there is no excuse for it to separate and adopt a thicker texture to the rest. The same rule applies to the layer which covers the inside of the foil lid. What really makes me sick is when people lick the lid. For lack of a better word: EEW!

Second point – I understand that when Oxygen touches the flesh of an Apple, it turns brown (although the moment is does so, I refuse to eat it) and I accept that (well, ish). But what I’m not willing to make a concession with is... if they can genetically modify fruit, please create some sort of Banana with armoured skin. There is nothing worse than buying a bunch of Banana’s, waiting a day or two for them to ripen whilst not touching them (no dropping, throwing or moving) then finally peeling back the dark yellow skin, only to find massive bruises. I don’t want to eat a piece of fruit which resembles a Rugby players’ leg.

Rant done, but I’ll be back.